Days like This

Do you ever have those days where it all feels way too much? I know I have had a couple of days like this over the last few days. 

The feeling of be suffocated and pressured. It’s really there at the moment, I’m struggling with a few emotions and issues that have surfaced, and I really thought I had dealt with these things many years ago. 

Training over the last few days was great, not great in the sense that it was easy, it was great in the sense that I really felt pushed for the first time in god only knows how long. 

Training with Be-Transformed Bundaberg is a wonderful asset, but I feel like I have to do more, but physically it just isn’t a reality.  

I was so embarrassed in away yesterday when I got to that point and I ended up bringing up everything within my guts. I still was feeling the effects of that session a day later. I was proud of myself for not quitting on myself within that session, when it’s clearly obvious that in the past I would have, let’s face it I mostly wouldn’t have even done a session like that in my life.  

So I spent the day today working of things within my private life, mainly preparing for a massive annual Cycling Event that I proudly am a part of delivering each and every year to the Bundaberg Community. It is via this that I have forged a great friendship with some pretty inspirational people to say the least. 

Being a Rugby League Tragic, many who know me now would wonder just how I got mixed up in cycling. Seriously doesn’t make sense from the outside looking in, here I am, an obese man mixing with all these ultra-fit bike riders, where does the connection lye? 

Well  it is born into me, my late Grandparents Kevin & Enid Brogden gave there life to the Sport of Cycling and in particular the Bundaberg Cycling Club, Kev (Bear) Grandad to me was the President for well over a decade of the Bundaberg Club. My Grandmother Enid, she also was then life blood within the club, holding many positions, but more so than anything she was like the first lady of the club in those days in my eyes. So as a young kid growing up I spent many years in and around the track. I think all my cousins even at one point all tried cycling. 

I wasn’t any good at it, but enjoyed riding my bike. My Cousins Andrew & Daniel were tremendous cyclists. The sport was forever ingrained into my families DNA. 

I think I was about 10 or 11 when I first tried Rugby League, I loved it. Honestly the best sport on the planet in my eyes. I have had some involvement with Rugby League ever since and still do to this day.

The last four years of my life, I have not been active in Rugby League due to reasons that I think are personal and I don’t see any point in discussing, those people close to me know what happen and they know the truth. The public only know that I was suspended. Can I say this; I have made life time friends from my involvement in sport and in particularly Rugby League and more recently cycling, I thank you for your wonderful support and encouragement, I would struggle most days without it.

Sometime you have things happen that you just have to take and learn from the mistakes, I think within sport I have learn some valuable life lessons, that will forever help me in my life. 

I had the pleasure to meet last year a wonderful young cyclist on the rise, he has won numerous State, National and World Titles, yet when meeting this guy, he was down to earth and very level headed. Recently he commented to me that he had been reading my blogs and he or all people has found them inspirational. I struggled to understand why or how he would, here is this guy, the world at his feet, already a world champions before he is out of his teens, and he finds my story inspirational. This made me quiet emotional. I was truly and I am deeply touched by his kind words and heart felt honesty. 

I think the next few days over the weekend will be tough, I know my head space isn’t right atm, I’m not sure what’s going on, I don’t feel right. I’m always an emotional person, but this feels weird I’m extra emotional and I feel sluggish and very dark atm. 

Dreams have been screwing with my mind also, been having some full on dreams atm, I don’t know what it all is supposed to mean, but I’m struggling to cope in away, it is doing my head in. 

I’m not sure if it’s to do with, withdrawing all the junk food, you know like detoxing a drug addict, all I know is I’m hurting inside and I don’t know and can’t understand why.   

Being morbidly Obese, Fat, huge whatever you want to use to describe it, fucking well sucks. If I had a dollar for every time someone recently when learning of my battle to get healthy has gone on and said just push away from the table and stop eating, I would be a millionaire right about now. 

What I have learned is it isn’t about stopping eating; it is about understanding your body and what your body needs to function. If you don’t eat you starve and you end up slowing your metabolism down, this actually stops your body from working right and functioning properly. 

In my case it is about re-educating myself about Good foods & Bad foods, cutting the Junk and the sugars down and increasing the fresh fruit, Veggie and stabilizing my protein intake to an acceptable level. Leaving behind the Pies, Chocolates, Hot Chips, and the deep fried fatty foods and sugar laden snacks.

I’m a comfort eater, I eat cause I’m bored,… This leads to many issues like what I’m struggling with now, I don’t have the answers, and I just know right now I’m battling hard to save what is left of my life.