Changing needs to start in the Brain

I think the hardest part of changing your life and habits is the battle you have within yourself. I know I have spoken on this before, I have talked about the battle I feel within, but the last past couple of days, I feel again I have been tested more than any other time or point so far.

What mental battle is this? It is the one that is in the back of my head saying “it’s okay, you have tried but time to do what most believe you will do”. “Go back to your old ways; you know you want to have some greasy food.  

There have been a couple of times this week, where I just wanted a Pie, or a Feed of Hot Chips. But so far I have not caved into this. I’m not about to Bull Shit anyone and say this has been easy, because it hasn’t. 

When you live a certain way, where your regard for health and your interest in eating healthy isn’t existent, well change is a have old slog. 

I’m not coming into this needing to lose 10 or 15 Kg’s, it’s a case of I need to lose 80kgs, so changes are a must, but a big challenge when it isn’t something normal to me. 

Another hurdle is self-motivating to push the extra miles need, to drag your arse out of bed on cold winters mornings and actually do something. 

These are tough and challenging times that I’m currently working through. But they are changeable and will become manageable in the future. 

I have this thing; I feel like the bad food I have an apple, maybe even go for a walk. Just trying to break the cycle, and retrain the brain.   

The Mental Battles

The past week has been hectic and full on for me, I spent the week Volunteering for my local Rugby League Clubs annual fundraiser at the local show, helping them get ready, plus also working at the local show for 3 days at their BBQ stall. 

Having spent 3 days on the BBQ Plate; if I see another steak or snag again it will be too soon. I did totally enjoy myself. 

The week ended with the Cycling Club Annual Caneland Classic and also a Good win by the boy's at Footy. 

My body feels totally run down atm. I’m struggling to get through the motions of the day. But nothing a good night rest won’t fix. 

Back to some type of normality this coming week, but like a lot of things I will still have much on my plate to contend with. 

So Today I spent the day in Childers, again cooking a BBQ, playing my part in the cycling club, a good friend and fellow board member in Allan Sutton did a wonderful job in pulling our event together, I felt bad that I wasn’t able to play a bigger part in helping with this event, but my turn is soon to come with the Track Carnival in December the 2011 4BU cycling Spectacular Bundaberg Sugar Cup on Wheels. 

While at the show, I got to have a chat with some wonderful and somewhat inspiring people, but to me none more so than a lifelong friend in Daz. like me Darren has struggled with weight issues over many years, he looked so good with his now massive weight loss. 

When he told me he was so proud of me it touched my heart and really gave me a lift that I was looking for. 

Things are not coming easy for me atm, the weight isn’t moving as quick as I would like, admittedly I do feel better within myself, I do find that I need to start to push harder and look to change some things and strive for more consistent movement in my weight loss. 

There are things that happen in everyone’s life that shapes our character, but what defines our legacy and leaves a lasting impression is what we find within when we need to. Without any doubt we all have that special X Factor and dive within, just some of us find it easier to ignore it or never are honest enough with ourselves to truly find it or see it before it is too late.     

I know for me it isn’t too late to make a change to make me feel better, I am also doing this to make myself actually feel proud for the first time in my life. 

This isn’t an easy journey, It could be just as easy to give up and head back into my old ways, god I have even thought about that at times. But what good is that for me, NONE. I’m that one moment away from a heart attack, most likely that would kill me, at 33 I don’t need to be going 6ft under. 

My journey and mission to get healthier and to finally be myself is a battle, I’m waging a war with my mind and my body, and years of abuse and neglect have taken its toll. The mind is a strong tool and weapon if controlled right, if not it can be just as much a hindrance as it is a help. 

I’m always open to support and constructive criticism, for everyone out there willing to support and help their will always be another 5 people ready to knock you down and run you down. 

Those people mean little to me now in my life whereas at one point they would really affect me and trouble me and my mindset.  

At days end I just want to be able to live a life without the threat and stress they obesity brings.

Moments or inspiration

I think we all get those moments where we see something, or hear something that inspires us or touches our heart. 

I have heard, seen and even watched many moments like this in the past, yet never have I actually taken the next step, to translate those things into my life; which in ever essence would provide that moment which would truly inspire me. 

I have been asked this a lot at different times in my life so far, what truly inspires me? For me it isn’t the heroics on the sporting fields, nor is a single random act of bravery or kindness, What truly inspires me is every single person who is willing to tell their story, who are willing to freely admit there mistakes and who simply aren’t afraid to ask for help when they need it most.

I ask can you see me? Can you hear me? I am here, I just wish I could be heard, often we see what we want and not what is there to be seen and all too much are words spoken yet never heard. 

I fight a daily battle; I have waged a war on myself for way too long, what some get to take for granted I can only dream of to touch within my life some point in time. 

Life can be harsh as can people and their opinions on way they see life through their own eyes.

I guess we all have some type of story that is there to be told, mine is a story that’s evolving along the way. 

We are all a fairly resilient bunch, I know I try to be a true to myself as I can; I have been knocked down my fair share of times so far in my life. I have tried to learn from my mistakes and hopefully this will and has made me a better person and human being. 

I often think about things that happen to me earlier in my life and wonder if that was only a fraction different would it have impacted on my life in a different way. This is part of the baggage and issues I need to work on if I am to both mentally and physically become healthier. 

 Are these what (if’s) a major issue? Do I need to let go of these to be able to move forward? Some will say yes while others will say to never forget your past and learn from your past mistakes. 

My journey to lose weight is about more than weight loss, to me this is about being able to overcome so much more, I am looking really deep down inside myself, I have to question everything about my past and comfort things that are both deep seeded and also shallow.

Day To Day

So it’s been a few days since I last spent some time to update my blog, found some time to put a few words down. Not a great deal to talk about right now. 

Been going about my day; trying to just do my thing. 

Training has been intense again this week, my legs just started to feel good and you know what they now feel busted yet again. 

Things have been intense around my life atm, like every person out there I’m not without my own baggage. I keep pushing myself and asking myself how to best get through this utter confusion that has become my baggage. 

It’s funny how you never realize just how many people out there want to see you do well, I have been touched recently by some wonderful support coming from people I would have least expected to see that come from. 

I don’t really see or feel the benefits of all this change just yet, but I understand I got to keep pushing through the mental side of things to get the all-round benefits. 

I want to train harder, I want to train more, I want to push until I break each and every day, but the limitations on me, from my doctor and trainer don’t allow for this due to the real life concern of the stress on my heart. 

What not many people understand is that, my heart isn’t the strongest; I have been through some scary moments with it. So I am doing what is asked of me atm; until I can get the clearance to push harder. 

I felt I let myself down last night when I ate 4 lamb chops instead of 2. My PT Andrew was upset, but happy that I was honest with him in my eating diary. Just meant today he flogged me harder than normal and got rather crankier. 

I feel I have been doing better than expected, it has now been 1 month since I last ate anything classed as “junky or Comfort Food”. No Sweets, No Deep fried Foods, No fatty or Super-Sized meals; I have even been eating a little Salad at Lunch time. 

You Know I often go to sleep dreaming of waking and suddenly I have lost my goal weight and I am normal in the eyes of society. But I know that isn’t going to happen.  

This is all about doing something for me, that will give me hope and a life better suited to extended life and happiness. 

I would love to be able to meet someone and fall in love one day. I would love to be able to share my heart with someone other than the fatty foods that have been blocking them over the years. 

I often feel very alone and closed off from reality and the world, while my friends enjoy weekends out and summers on the beach, I hide away locked off from the world. 

I truly wish someone could see the person I am inside, not the person I am on the outside. I don’t want to have to wipe away tear of hurt and pain anymore because I’m alone. 

I have a Great deal I think I could offer in life, this journey will hopefully help put the last amazing pieces in places to help me change from the moth to a butterfly. 

Today I am me, tomorrow I am me, within a year I will still be me, just less hurt and more happiness.

Days like This

Do you ever have those days where it all feels way too much? I know I have had a couple of days like this over the last few days. 

The feeling of be suffocated and pressured. It’s really there at the moment, I’m struggling with a few emotions and issues that have surfaced, and I really thought I had dealt with these things many years ago. 

Training over the last few days was great, not great in the sense that it was easy, it was great in the sense that I really felt pushed for the first time in god only knows how long. 

Training with Be-Transformed Bundaberg is a wonderful asset, but I feel like I have to do more, but physically it just isn’t a reality.  

I was so embarrassed in away yesterday when I got to that point and I ended up bringing up everything within my guts. I still was feeling the effects of that session a day later. I was proud of myself for not quitting on myself within that session, when it’s clearly obvious that in the past I would have, let’s face it I mostly wouldn’t have even done a session like that in my life.  

So I spent the day today working of things within my private life, mainly preparing for a massive annual Cycling Event that I proudly am a part of delivering each and every year to the Bundaberg Community. It is via this that I have forged a great friendship with some pretty inspirational people to say the least. 

Being a Rugby League Tragic, many who know me now would wonder just how I got mixed up in cycling. Seriously doesn’t make sense from the outside looking in, here I am, an obese man mixing with all these ultra-fit bike riders, where does the connection lye? 

Well  it is born into me, my late Grandparents Kevin & Enid Brogden gave there life to the Sport of Cycling and in particular the Bundaberg Cycling Club, Kev (Bear) Grandad to me was the President for well over a decade of the Bundaberg Club. My Grandmother Enid, she also was then life blood within the club, holding many positions, but more so than anything she was like the first lady of the club in those days in my eyes. So as a young kid growing up I spent many years in and around the track. I think all my cousins even at one point all tried cycling. 

I wasn’t any good at it, but enjoyed riding my bike. My Cousins Andrew & Daniel were tremendous cyclists. The sport was forever ingrained into my families DNA. 

I think I was about 10 or 11 when I first tried Rugby League, I loved it. Honestly the best sport on the planet in my eyes. I have had some involvement with Rugby League ever since and still do to this day.

The last four years of my life, I have not been active in Rugby League due to reasons that I think are personal and I don’t see any point in discussing, those people close to me know what happen and they know the truth. The public only know that I was suspended. Can I say this; I have made life time friends from my involvement in sport and in particularly Rugby League and more recently cycling, I thank you for your wonderful support and encouragement, I would struggle most days without it.

Sometime you have things happen that you just have to take and learn from the mistakes, I think within sport I have learn some valuable life lessons, that will forever help me in my life. 

I had the pleasure to meet last year a wonderful young cyclist on the rise, he has won numerous State, National and World Titles, yet when meeting this guy, he was down to earth and very level headed. Recently he commented to me that he had been reading my blogs and he or all people has found them inspirational. I struggled to understand why or how he would, here is this guy, the world at his feet, already a world champions before he is out of his teens, and he finds my story inspirational. This made me quiet emotional. I was truly and I am deeply touched by his kind words and heart felt honesty. 

I think the next few days over the weekend will be tough, I know my head space isn’t right atm, I’m not sure what’s going on, I don’t feel right. I’m always an emotional person, but this feels weird I’m extra emotional and I feel sluggish and very dark atm. 

Dreams have been screwing with my mind also, been having some full on dreams atm, I don’t know what it all is supposed to mean, but I’m struggling to cope in away, it is doing my head in. 

I’m not sure if it’s to do with, withdrawing all the junk food, you know like detoxing a drug addict, all I know is I’m hurting inside and I don’t know and can’t understand why.   

Being morbidly Obese, Fat, huge whatever you want to use to describe it, fucking well sucks. If I had a dollar for every time someone recently when learning of my battle to get healthy has gone on and said just push away from the table and stop eating, I would be a millionaire right about now. 

What I have learned is it isn’t about stopping eating; it is about understanding your body and what your body needs to function. If you don’t eat you starve and you end up slowing your metabolism down, this actually stops your body from working right and functioning properly. 

In my case it is about re-educating myself about Good foods & Bad foods, cutting the Junk and the sugars down and increasing the fresh fruit, Veggie and stabilizing my protein intake to an acceptable level. Leaving behind the Pies, Chocolates, Hot Chips, and the deep fried fatty foods and sugar laden snacks.

I’m a comfort eater, I eat cause I’m bored,… This leads to many issues like what I’m struggling with now, I don’t have the answers, and I just know right now I’m battling hard to save what is left of my life.

Clearing the head

Today I feel Like i need to make a few things clearer, Within this Blog I can only speak from my experiences; Yes I’m morbidly obese , yet in many senses I’m health as can be expected, but I ask myself every day; for how long? 

I hate pictures of myself, I’m always mad when i looked myself in the mirror, I´ve been alone for years, no girlfriend and going out for me is limited because I am ashamed of myself.

I have no doubt many other people can and somehow will identify with some or all of these things, if you do please make the change today to make yourself feel proud. 

I have made this massive choice in my life to change how things are done, I have had to confront some very personal demons to even get this far, It is only in the baby steps stage for me, My body isn’t changing just yet, but my attitude and commitment to this has. 

I’m about 2 weeks in, gone cold turkey on my sweets, and Junk food. I have been exercising daily, while this is still limited in range and length it is a starting point for me. The soreness has come with quiet a vengeance, but it isn’t stopping me achieving my dream and goals this time, like it has in the past. 

I wouldn’t call what is happening to be as a fad or a diet; I would say it is a re-education and change of life style. 

I have read, watched and seen many stories on weight loss and the journey it takes those people on. I look forward to that feeling when people see you on the street and make this big amazing surprised face because you are looking younger, great and healthier. Another great feeling I long for is when I can finally fit in to normal size modern clothes.

My dream is to one-day be able to buy a Broncos Jumper and be able to wear it. The inside of the world obese people become trapped in is indescribable, even though I have had a fair crack at it within these blog posts. 

I have for many years failed on myself, I have become less me and more the monster that obesity turns you into. I remember the embarrassment of breaking a bed whilst on holidays cause my weight was too great for the bed. 

I often think about the lost opportunities that have seen me become long term unemployed. The lower energy levels, the aching joints, the general pain and the mental strain. 

I get down and sad at not being independent, it really hurts and causes great frustration. I love my sport, I enjoy the social and the benefits that sports builds and brings, yet it also is a battle to keep up within, due to the strain it places on me. 

I know that this time I will succeed in my pursuit for health, I just have to listen to my body along the way and understand that while my mind is hard the body needs time to recover.